Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from