Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
You Might Also Like
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Batman v Dracula
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.