Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand