It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.