BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class