‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top