“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.