Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished