Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]