“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.