my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Important
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I put the p in pants.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius