*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Knock Knock
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.