As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir