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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
nyc: