It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I want this so bad
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.