“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.