At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.