Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
They got a point!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If snakes were wide
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
remember
only for emergencies
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Kermit goes Blue.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all