Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.