I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
You Might Also Like
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
there has never been a better use of this meme
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Very problematic
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married