Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.