(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My kitchen overserved me.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.