Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Not even remotely sorry.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.