Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
* gets mugged *
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