My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Real House Wines.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*