When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*