Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
estão todos miauvindo?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us