I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It鈥檚 tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i鈥檇 accomplish more
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It鈥檚 inappropriate, and you鈥檙e talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can鈥檛 throw a book by its cover.
I can鈥檛 stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.