gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Who called it baking and not making love
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air