Bringing home a sharpie
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I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.