[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese