When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃