When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
smh
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?