ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
They did not miss in the small print
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.