Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here