6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Haha good job!!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Good advice.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.