Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.