if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed