Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Knock Knock
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic