Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Battery falling down a hole
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
bout dat hot dog summer
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic