3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker