I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.