Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!