I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
do horses think humans are hats
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.