Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Passwords are more important than ever.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die