I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
We’ve come full circle
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well