Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou


When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.


If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.


The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!


The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.


The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.