@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

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@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@BassoonJokes

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

@Rollinintheseat

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@AimeeHelene1

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

@robdelaney

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.