Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.