I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought