they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Taking phone security to the next level.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.