Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo