The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏