Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You Might Also Like
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.